Banging
by grey-eyed-goddess
Summary: Meet Nessarose Thropp from Wicked. She is standing in the middle of the city waiting for a house to kill her. This fate could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend.
1. Type Loudly

Title: Banging

Summary: "We call it banging these days, guys."

Rating: Teen

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: This is what comes from me trying to write chapter 23 of YLYHTM and a parody at the same time.

**Banging**

"_The gray ones will be fine." Boq's fingers slid across the dull fabric and he gently tossed the tights into Nessa's lap. She straightened them out._

"_When you said pants I thought you meant like what I'm wearing." A small giggle escaped her mouth._

"I don't giggle."

"What?"

"I don't giggle." Nessarose raised one eyebrow. "That pink puff giggles; not me."

"Her name is Glinda." She rolled her eyes at Boq.

"I'm sorry, what was that, Biq?" Boq opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. I sighed. Loudly.

"Could we get back to the whole giggling issue?"

"Giggling is ridiculous. You only do it to sound girly. I'm a girl. I sound like a girl. I don't giggle."

"Fine. I'll change it." My fingers typed away at the keyboard. "Anything else, Madame Governor?"

"You don't have to be a bitch about it. You want it to be true to character or not?"

I whispered through my teeth, "I want you to stop talking."

"Agreed."

"Minerva, Boq, if you two are going to be mean, I'll just go."

"That's fine with me, Miss Nessarose."

Nessarose jerked back slightly. I glanced at Boq as Nessa rolled away from us and sighed again.

"You know, Boq, you don't have to be an ass about it."

"What?"

"Well, you did kind of lead her on for years and pretend that you loved her. What did you expect?"

"She enslaved me."

"You knew she loved you."

"What about the whole middle ground where she enslaved me?"

"Boq, she's in a wheelchair. Just pick her up, put her in a high place, and walk away."

"It…It wasn't that easy."

"Cause you like her?"

"A little." He slid into a chair. "I just wanted her as a friend."

"And yet YOU dated her."

"Just write or something." He buried her face in his hands.

_A small laugh escaped her mouth._

"_That would be completely inappropriate. Women in pants? It's absurd." Nessa ran a hand down the leg of her tights. "I like skirts anyways." Boq played with the handle to the dresser and his mind wandered while Nessa changed in the bathroom._

'_**You are not in love with her.'**_

'_Who in the Unnamed God are you, and why are you in my head?'_

'_**I'm your conscience, dumb ass.'**_

'_How insightful.'_

'_**Well, you're not.'**_

'_How do you know that?'_

'_**Let's just think and go with the part where you're in love with Glinda.'**_

'_What if Glinda's right? I mean, I never wanted to hurt Nessa…'_

"That's true."

"Come again, Boq?"

"I never wanted to hurt her."

"Well, I think you both succeeded in that one."

"What one?" Nessa's voice was soft and hoarse. Her eyes were red.

"Hurt each other. I mean, just look at what happened."

Boq and Nessa eyed each other.

"Or looking at each other works too."

Boq turned Nessa's chair around. "Come on; let's go talk." Nessa nodded, and her hands sat idle in her lap. Boq brushed his left hand through her hair.

"Talking…Yeah, we call it banging these days, guys."

Boq turned back to face me. "Just type loudly or something then." He smiled.

I shook my head. "Maybe I can get something done now."

'_What if Glinda's right? I mean, I never wanted to hurt Nessa…'_

I stared at the keyboard.

Or not.

**-End-**


	2. A Cig and 8 Hours of Sleep

Title: Banging

Summary: "We call it banging these days, guys."

Rating: Teen (Yes it is)

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: This is why I really can't write. Boq and Nessa are distracting me, and they won't stop.

**Chapter Two**

"Karl Rove resigned." The rustle of paper tore me from my thoughts. A line of smoke drifted across my computer screen, and I breathed in using air in the opposite direction.

"Could you not do that in here? I'm allergic."

"What? Oh, sorry." Boq's fingers pinched out the cigarette while I kept one eye on him. "It's just that after doing that…" He flicked his head towards the door. "I just need a cigarette and eight hours sleep."

"I didn't mean the smoke. I meant Karl Rove, but thanks for stopping."

"Oh." Boq continued to flip through the paper with one hand. I turned back to the computer.

_One thin line of red spread, pulsed, and a trickle of blood slid down Nessa's chest, and it pooled on the floor. Her body convulsed again. Her finger nails tore through the wood of the floor as she screamed and twisted._

"Are you going to kill her?"

'Deep breaths, Minerva, deep breaths.'

"What?"

"I mean, if you're going to kill her I think we deserve some sort of warning since it does involve us."

"Whatever I do you'll do so I don't think it really matters."

"We deserve some sort of warning."

I turned to face him.

"Warning? All right, here you go." I leaned in towards him. "Nessa dies, and you, in the unbearable grasp of agony and guilt, throw yourself off the roof only to break your legs and lose the ability to walk. You live. You live in a wheelchair, and every time to wheel yourself you think of your one true love. This goes on until you strap yourself in and wheel yourself into the pond in the garden. Happy?"

Boq shifted. "Not really…"

"Good; that's not what happens."

"You're mean."

"I'm mean! You lied to an innocent girl for years while only using her to gain the favor of your 'true love.' Yes, I'm horrible."

"You make me sound like Rove."

I paused.

"You're not that bad."

"All right then." Boq tapped the paper. "I'm making up for it."

"I don't think banging counts as making up for it. Making out maybe, but not up."

"I didn't _bang_ anything." He glanced at the ceiling. "I…Nessa…Nessa's very pretty."

"Yes, that's why you banged her."

"No!" Boq's fingers flexed. "I…We made love."

"Made love? How can you make love? I thought it was just something that was always there and had to be awakened within the couple."

I had my deep moments.

"That was…Unusually deep."

Sometimes.

"So, you're with Nessa now?"

"Yeah."

"You happy?"

"I like her."

"I noticed."

"Like who?" Nessa rolled into the room with one hand clutching the robe around her throat. Boq smiled.

"You."

Nessarose blushed and ducked her head.

"I would hope so."

"You two are cute."

"Really?"

"Almost. Now, can I finish this, or are you two going to keep chatting?"

"Sorry." Boq pulled Nessa's chair near the couch, and I turned back towards the computer.

Maybe now I could finish it.

Then I remember that they were on the squeaky couch.

**-END-(until they strike again)**

I swear that this is why I really can't write. Boq and Nessa are distracting me. Thank you for putting up with my mad babblings.

Everyone, I would like to take this space to thank everyone who reviews. They truly make my day better.


	3. Something with Lots of Imagery

Title: Banging

Summary: "We call it banging these days, guys."

Rating: Teen (Yes it is)

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: Guys, I really didn't think anyone would enjoy this besides me (since it's a great form of therapy), but I guess you do…Or you're all lying. This is chapter three. I can't get past the first paragraph on YLYHTM. It's going to kill me. I'm trying to finish up my summer assignments before school starts next week so there may be no updates for at least two weeks. Sorry. I love you all!

**Chapter Three**

_One thin line of red spread, pulsed, and a trickle of blood slid down Nessa's chest, and it pooled on the floor. Her body convulsed again. Her finger nails tore through the wood of the floor as she screamed and twisted. Within her scream-_

'Squeak!'

_One thin line of red spread, pulsed, and a trickle of blood slid down Nessa's chest, and it pooled on the floor. Her body convulsed again. Her finger nails-_

'Squeak!'

_One thin line of red spread, pulsed, and a trickle of blood slid-_

'Squeak!'

"Now, really, that is enough!" Stop, spin, and…Gape like a fish?

_One thin line of red spread, pulsed, and a trickle of blood slidqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq- _

My fingers hit the keyboard, and I closed my mouth.

"What?" Nessarose peered over the edge of the couch. I eyed my television. A door hinge within the frame squeaked in the wind.

"…Never mind…"

"Don't worry, we do have some tact." Boq smiled into the back of Nessa's neck, and I rolled my eyes at him. "So, how are the ends of our lives going?"

"Great; just great. Apparently you die by 'q' and then some more 'q'."

Nessa shifted. "Death by 'q'? That sounds painful."

"Very."

"Just make sure we have a nice going out party, will you?"

"There will be streamers and cake. Of course, you'll be dead so you won't know."

"Minerva, I will haunt you should there not be an acceptable cake at the party-chocolate cake, mind you. Maybe there should be a speech..."

Boq smiled. "I'll read some nice poetry at the funeral Nessa. Something with imagery. 'Here lies my beloved Nessa…my eastern rose. Somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross.'"

Nessa swatted his arm. "Be sure to bury him in pink, will you? With ruffles, and maybe you should have some bows. Either way, you'll be dead."

"Oh hoa! The pot calling the kettle black."

…

"My kettle is white with a nice flower print. They're marigolds."

"You're impossible, you realize this, right?"

"Why are you two still talking? Watch your movie or something while I erase these blasted q's." I sighed. "My pot calls my ketamine black…"

"What was that?"

"Hugs, not drugs."

_One-_

_On_

_O_

_She bit through her lip as she hit the floor. She managed one small breath, and a trickle of blood slid down Nessa's neck, and it pooled on the floor. Her body convulsed again._

'That's better.'

"Rather bloody, don't you think?"

"Well, you are having your heart ripped out Nessa. I think that would be a rather bloody affair."

"I suppose." Nessa touched her lips. "If you must." Boq gasped.

"Don't you dare even think about harming her?" His fingers tugged at Nessa's neck, and he pulled her in for a kiss. I groaned.

"As much as I love the fact that you two are happy, I don't appreciate the fact that you two feel the need to express such joy in such a physical form."

"Then turn away."

**-TBC-**

My eternal love for suffering through all of that gibberish.


	4. The 'Laughter' in 'Slaughter'

Title: Banging

Summary: "We call it banging these days, guys."

Rating: Teen (Yes it is)

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: This is my new way to take out my anger at the world. It works very well. I'm still not quite sure why people read this, but I guess it is kind of funny. Thank you for putting up with it. It should explain why I can't update…Kind of…

**Chapter Three**

"I'll kill them!"

Boq glanced away from the TV. "Maybe you should think that through…"

"They dropped me from Drama!" I hit the wall; the wall won. "Shit! Ow!"

"…Before you hit stuff harder than your hand." Nessa chuckled from the couch.

"It's just drama. What did they place there instead?"

"They put me in a study hall." I sniffed. "I don't want a study hall. I'll get shot."

"For a study hall?"

"Pretty much."

"It'll give you time to write stories, Minerva" Nessa raised her eyebrows at me.

"While I'm in surgery?"

"While you're in study hall."

"You don't get it. I like being in Drama. I like competing and acting. I've written drabbles a plenty while on the bus back from a tournament."

"You have?"

"Yeah. It's when I came up with the idea for _You'll Lose Your Heart to Me_. It's also how I'm going to fulfill my dream of playing you in the musical."

"I hate to break this to you, but you look nothing like me."

"I can dye my hair…"

Boq eyed me. "That might work, but…" He shook his head. "If you say you."

"Can we get off of the rather more depressing aspects of my meaningless existence?"

Boq ran two fingers through Nessa's hair, and she purred.

"Did you just-"

"Yes, she did."

"Right…" I sighed. "I'll just start writing to take my mind off of it."

_A sparkle of silver hit the floor and got lost with the pool of red. _

"Please tell me that the pool of red isn't blood."

"'Course not. You were making some Jell-O, and right before you put it in the fridge Boq snuck up behind you. Needless to say, you fell to the ground…And had your heart ripped out be magic! Haven't we been over this?"

"Will it leave a scar?"

"I don't think I'll tell you." Boq let one finger trail down Nessa's neck and collar.

"You'll still beautiful if you have a scar." Nessa smiled into her hand.

"Give Boq one. He'd be dashing."

"With pleasure, my dear."

_A bit of wire snapped and caught the side of Boq's face._

"I can't wait," Boq replied dryly.

"Yeah, but no complaining. You don't pay enough attention to my writing to even consider contesting it."

"You forget that it is us who this all happens to."

"Yet you wonder why I don't write M rated fics?"

Boq blushed.

"I'm bad at them. They're too awkward to write."

He signed.

"And you too are distracting enough as it is."

"Miss Minerva, are you implying that we distract you while not even in this room?"

"I'm implying, Miss Nessarose, that the walls of this building have the thickness of thin paper." Nessa blushed, and she tightened her fingers around her robe.

"Oh." They were quiet for a bit.

'Maybe I should start the other one…'

"Master Boq, Miss Nessarose, how do you feel about the last Harry Potter book?"

"It was slightly off from the rest." Boq thought for a second before continuing on. "The epilogue was lacking."

"Neville was amazing." Boq blanched.

"What was that, Nessa?"

"Neville was rather…Epic. He did start an underground revolution and decapitate Nagini. Very brave of him."

"You're not thinking, Minerva, of doing that?"

"I've already started."

His arms tightened around Nessarose, and she rolled her eyes.

"How do you feel about Neville Longbottom, Master Boq?"

"He's nice. I think feels more inclined towards loony blondes though."

I grinned.

"My thinking exactly."

"You are a cruel person."

"So they say, 'I put the laughter in slaughter'."

**-TBC-**

Sometimes those two just come separately.


	5. Brought To You Today by 'G' and 'K'

Title: Banging

Rating: Teen  
Summary: crack fic

Archive: FTW?

Author's Note: It's 1AM. I haven't slept in days. This is what happens. Just to lighten the mood I'll open up with the song 'Wonderland' from the musical Bare: A Pop Opera. The soundtrack is available the 25th. Buy it. Live it. Be one with it. Judging by this chapter you'll probably think I'm on drugs…I swear, those weren't pot brownies when I ate them…

"_You do know those are pot brownies, right?"_

"_Oooppps!!!"_

_Wonderland:_

_LUCAS_

_Come to wonderland where never never finds you_

_Your one enchanted night of dreams disguised in swirling lights_

_Ten thousand friends to make an ecstasy of motion_

_You're floating, rolling, free to drown in possibility_

_MATT_

_How far away is this rave?_

_LUCAS_

_Just make sure the tank is full_

_TANYA_

_Just come_

_MATT_

_This map is kinda vague_

_LUCAS_

_When we're close we'll feel the pull_

_JASON_

_I have some clothes that you can wear_

_MATT_

_And what is that supposed to mean?_

_KYRA_

_You look like a million bucks_

_Wear something cheeper to the scene_

_MATT_

_There's no way to cross this road_

_PETER_

_I think the map is upside down_

_LUCAS_

_Our parents had it easier_

_The disco didn't move around_

_KYRA_

_Yeah, but who can groove to that?_

_And what's with spelling with your hands?_

_RORY_

_Yeah and could you ever see them roll?_

_EVERYONE_

_God, they'd never understand_

_Off to wonderland where never never finds you_

_For one enchanted night of dreams disguised in swirling lights_

_Ten thousand friends to make an ecstasy of motion_

_You're floating, rolling, free to drown in possibility_

_LUCAS_

_There's more than one way to feel alive_

_That's why the party never ends_

_Though X is still the treat of choice_

_I brought along some friends_

_Boys and girls our show today_

_Is brought to you by the letters 'G' and 'K'_

_MATT_

_What?_

_LUCAS_

_G and K fool!_

_There both intense_

_They enhance your X experience!_

_NADIA_

_Professor-_

_LUCAS_

_Exibit A:_

_K! Powder, white, and what a roll_

_But take too much and beware the hole_

_The K Hole is a lonely prison_

_Echoed words and tunnel vision_

_This much, heaven's where you're headed_

_More, and you'll regret it!_

_Exibit B._

_G! Liquid, clear, a bitter treat_

_You're rolling smooth this shit is sweet_

_Two capful's the most you take_

_Any more's a big mistake_

_This much after X - well fed!_

_More than that, my friends? You're dead_

_It's fun for all and all for fun_

_But keep in mind rule number one:_

_They say, like X, this shit has limits_

_Play the game, but please stay in it..._

**Chapter That Number After Whatever Chapter I Last Posted**

_Elphaba felt her sister's screams before she heard them. Her body tensed, and she found herself standing at the door without remembering ever leaving her seat._

Elphaba Thropp snorted into her paper. "You can't seriously be watching this."

"I'm listening; you would know this if you climbed out of that book every now and then." A sigh.

"You do the same thing."

"Fair enough." Elphaba eyed the wall.

"I can't believe you're letting them do that."

"Talk?"

"Minerva, you don't seriously believe that they're just talking, do you?"

"You think I'm really stupid, don't you?"

"Just like Fiyero."

"Please don't kiss me."

"Eeewww…"

_Nessa's fingers barely touched his arm, but her lips managed to force one word from her mouth._

"You really think you can end this?"

"I can always end it; how is the question."

"I mean well. How can you not disappoint?"

"On second thought, start reading again. You're quieter when you do that."

A long pause. Someone laughed on the other side of the wall.

"You know, Minerva, knowing what they're up to you could at least exercise some responsibility. Tell them to use self control or something."

"You're her older sister. Weren't you supposed to have this talk with her?"

"She didn't really think it was necessary." Elphaba sighed. "She always said love was a game for two, not three."

"The wheelchair was the third, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Is it bad if I find that funny?"

"A little."

"Okay."

"How's that ending coming along?"

"Crashing and burning, my dear…Crashing and burning…"

Another laugh drifted through the wall, and this time a small 'thump' followed it. I sighed.

"Minerva, please do something about this."

"What? I'm not going to be the one to give them the 'birds and the bees' talk."

"Just enlighten them on the joys of protection or something."

"Can I do it my way?"

"Does it involve violence?"

"Usually not."

"Then, yes, you may."

I smiled. Clearing the room and hallway in five steps, I pushed open the door to the next room. Boq fumbled with the sheet.

"Don't have sex; I'll kill you. Oh, and don't think I won't know-I'm watching you." I closed the door, and Boq and Nessa didn't move for a minute. 45 seconds, 30 seconds, 15 seconds…"Boq, get your hand out from under her shirt!"

Two seconds later I heard him fall off the bed.

'Ceiling Minerva is watching you…'

**-TBC-**


	6. But You're Fictional?

Title: Banging

Summary: "We call it banging these days, guys."

Rating: Teen

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: I should never be allowed to write again…

**Banging**

_It was certainly not a fruit of power, but rather a Kroger brand orange judging by the produce sticker. The peel had taken on that dull yellow coloration of rottenness, and one side had sunken into the center. It was, however, still quite orange and quite firm. That characteristic tangy scent was still there. Had I felt the need to peel into the fruit I am sure that my prying fingers (and eyes going by my luck) would've been greeted by an outburst of orange scented juice specks. Feeling the need to duck would've been much more useful._

_Neither of these needs came over me. I paid the price in sticky, citrus-scented blood. _

"What in Oz is that? Where are we?"

"Nessa, you're in the land where you get on my nerves."

"Well, I can tell that you're just as bitchy there as you are everywhere else." She sighed. "Really, what are you writing?"

"An essay-an entrance essay."

"About oranges?"

"About oranges."

"Oh." Sweet silence.

…_My eyes rolled, and I opened them to find myself staring at the concrete and kneeling before my attacker. The orange starred back. A side of the produce sticker peeled off mockingly. I glared at it with even more disdain. As security walked (extremely slowly) towards me, I tried to think of a witty comment about oranges. I managed, "Khhhwwaaaaa…"_

"You got hit in the face by an orange?" Another sigh.

"What!?! When!?!" My chair spun as I shrieked. "I got hit in the **neck **by an orange?"

"There's no need to be sarcastic."

"You realize that your lover just stated the obvious, right?"

"Well, it's just hard to believe." Nessarose picked a bit of lent from Boq's hair. "Who gets downed by an orange?"

"Well, apparently the woman holding your life-and love life-in her hands. Do you want to go there?"

"I love you."

"I know Nessa." Boq raised his head in alarm. "Don't worry Boq; I love her like a best friend."

"Good." Boq reached out and gripped Nessa's hand.

"Yes, I was really trying to steal your lover. That's it Boq."

"I can never be too careful."

"I'm sure that thousands of people want to steal your fictional girlfriend."

"Why wouldn't they?"

"That fictional part is a problem."

"There are those freaks out there…" Silence, yet no so sweet.

"Don't ever speak again."

"But-"

"Boq, I think it would be best if you listened to her."

"But Nessa-"

"I just had a sudden spark of inspiration!" Swivel, place, balance and type.

_Boq licked his lips and one speck of light slid off the metal and onto his tongue. The needle in front of his face glinted once before dodging the light. The fingers gripped it tighter, and one hand pulled the string tied to the end taunt. He swallowed. _

_"She wasn't wicked."_

_"No more of your trash, Master Hizaero." The man laughed and pressed the needle against Boq's lips. _

"I get the point."

"Of course you do, Boq."

-TBC-

Damn entrance essays…


	7. Delicious Cake

Title: Banging

Summary: Now you're thinking with portals!

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Game, GLaDOS, the cube and Wicked are not mine…Sadly.

Archive: Not anymore.

A.N.: I played this game portal with my boyfriend, and it's the best game ever. The quotes for the computer controlling the facility are in italics. It's about Chell-a test subject-getting through this test facility devoid of human life with only GLaDOS and the weighted companion cube for company (and some suicidal androids). This is the end result.

**Chapter Seven**

_"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck."_

"What are you doing?"

"Playing a game. Go away."

"Weren't you just bitching about not having enough time for school and writing? What are you doing playing a computer game?"

"It's educational."

"You're firing blue and orange portals at the wall."

"And observe-when I place this blue portal right here and I place this orange portal on the ceiling above it I have an infinite loop. Now, if I through this android through it he continues to fall forever."

"It's an infinite loop."

"But, my dear Elphaba, momentum in conserved between portals. Therefore, when I remove this bottom blue portal the android will hit the ground at terminal velocity." I right clicked away.

"…Wow…"

"And it smashes into the floor at terminal velocity!"

_"Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."_

"What was that?"

"That was GLaDOS, the computer. It runs the test facility."

_"Spectacular, you appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not."_

"It is a came called Portal, and the plot is basically you testing a portal gun trying to get out of a human-less test sight run by a computer. You can pass through the portals, but keep in mind that momentum is conserved. Some surfaces will not allow the portal to be created and each level is a puzzle that involves portals." I paused. "Then, of course, there's the elicit romance between you and your weighted companion cube." I sniffed. "You have to sacrifice it all too soon after you meet. So sweet…So helpful…So cubic…"

Elphaba glanced at the screen.

"Minerva, that's a grey box."

"It's a box of love."

"Well, there are hearts on it…"

"There's the spirit!"

I dodged one swirling ball of light as Elphaba leaned in closer.

"What is that?"

"A swirling ball of light."

She sighed.

"If it touches me I'll die."

"Really now?"

_"The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak." _

"You know what, Elphaba, GLaDOS kind of reminds me of you."

_"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube cannot speak. In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice."_

"How so?"

_"You did it! The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck. However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and must, unfortunately, be euthanized."_

"Need I say more?" Elphaba shook her head.

"Really, though, shouldn't you be writing or applying or homework…ing?"

"I have none. Well, I could reread my European History notes, but why tamper with what I know?"

"Biology?"

"We had a sub last class."

"Calculus?"

"Finished it."

"Our New Lives Reside in Scotland?"

"Working on it on paper."

"Your haunted house?"

"J-miah hasn't sent me a message back about it."

"Anything?"

"I want to beat Portal."

_"Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye."_

"Did you beat it?"

"Well, if being incinerated counts as beating the game…Oh noes, GLaDOS! I see that wall over there. I'm about to portal your computer ass!!!"

"Did you just say 'oh noes'?"

_"Stop what you are doing and assume the party escort submission position, or you will miss the party."_

"Minerva, you're about to miss the party." Elphaba brushed one green finger across her lips before turning back to me. "GLaDOS said there would be delicious cake." Fingers tapping the chair back, she turned towards the door. "Speaking of cake, do we have any?"

"No, I'm dieting. Anyways, the cake is a lie."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm obviously running around this facility trying to find GLaDOS."

"Are those handprints on the wall? And blood?"

"I do believe that is a shrine to the weighted companion cube."

"Is that a pin-up with the cube taped over the face?"

"You're just full of questions, aren't you?"

"It is."

"It is indeed, Greenie."

_"Look - we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it."_

"Screw you GLaDOS!"

Elphaba leaned in.

"Are those giant platforms that can crush you?"

_"Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back."_

"Yes."

She leaned in closer.

"Portal! Look out!" We let out a breath. "I'm so close to her…" I growled.

_"Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said 'Goodbye' and__ you were like 'NO WAY!' and then I was all 'We pretended we were going to murder you'? That was great!"_

"There she is."

_"Some day we'll remember this and laugh. And laugh, and laugh. Oh boy. Well. You may as well come on back."_

"She's a giant…Metal hanging thing of…Metal."

"Elphaba, you're the articulate one today!"

"Did something just fall off of her?"

"I believe so." We leaned in closer and failed to realize that we leaning in would no force the character to do so. "I think I'll incinerate it."

"Did you just…"

"Yep!"

_"That thing you burnt up isn't important to me. Not any more. It's the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit; it makes shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero."_

"Nice one, Minerva."

"How was I to know?"

"More stuff just fell off of her."

"I know. What the hell?"

_"Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated was. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin."_

"Oh damn."

"Good luck on this one, Min."

"What do I do now?"

"Keep incinerating her?"

"How?" Another core fell. "Oh. Thanks."

"I'm going to go look for cake."

"Delicious cake?"

"Maybe I'll cut it in a cube…"

"Oh, the cruelness! To tempt me with my lost love!"

_"Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now... OK fine. DO touch it. Pick it up and just stuff it back into me!"_

"Is that computer trying to use reverse psychology?"

"No, she's not trying to trick me at all."

"How long does this take?"

"Awhile."

_"You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full time employee. Where did your life go so wrong? It's a mystery I'll solve later. By myself. Because you'll be dead."_

"You know, Elphaba, were you a computer, you would be a psychotic computer flooding the Shiz corridors with a deadly neurotoxin."

"I'm not psychotic."

"You're also not a computer."

"You're strange. You realize this, right?"

"Weren't you getting cake?"

"I would, but the kitchen is across the hall from Nessa's room. If I had a portal gun…"

I smiled.

"Now you're thinking with portals!"

-TBC-

Happy Halloween! Please review! There will be delicious cake!


	8. Connecting the Dots

Title: Banging

Summary: Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Aaawww…Still not mine…

Archive: Not anymore.

A.N.: Well, college has sucked away my life…All of it. Now, I'm just a sleepless girl trying not to die from sleep deprivation. The cure? Writing crack. So, this is basically my mind on nothing (literally, nothing; haven't really slept or eaten much). Lots of Shakespeare, lots of Stephen Colbert and lots of insanity…I'm so sorry.

**Chapter Eight**

"Elphaba, what are you doing?"

"Twill vex thy soul to hear what I must speak."

"Peace, Aaron, peace. Thou speakest of nothing."

"Minerva, the internet, for the most part, can be trusted?"

I snorted. "No! Especially not the most part of it. There are areas of truth within it, but I fear most are lost."

"This Wikipedia thing, what about it?"

"Therefore I urge thy oath; for that I know an idiot holds his bauble for a god, and keeps the oath which by that god he swears. To that I'll urge him: therefore thou shalt vow by that same god, what god soe'er it be, that thou ador'st and hast in reverence, to speak not of what by tongue shall say."

"You realize that you're babbling, right?"

"Swear it by the Unnamed God…"

"I'm not religious."

"Just do it."

"I swear. You happy?"

"Extremely. Now, Wikipedia is generally right. You'd be better off with encyclopediadramatica though."

"You're a bad liar."

"I know."

A squeak of wheels.

"Faba, what are you doing?"

"The Wizards full name, it's ridiculous. Convenient, but ridiculous. One could right a story around it."

"You know, my dear Artichoke, someone did."

"Shove it, Minerva."

"No, really, say I wanted to know whose Nessa's real father was…"

"But Frex was my fath-Oh. My. God."

"…Nessarose Thropp…Roses…By any other name would smell as sweet…sweet…sugar…grainy…sand…sea sand…sea turtles…I like turtles meme…I heart turtles…turtle heart…Turtle Heart! It was Turtle Heart the Quadling!"

"Minerva, are you on drugs?"

"Nope, but I haven't slept in three days. Want me to keep going?"

It was unanimous.

"No."

"Say I wanted to know who Elphaba's father was-"

"But we know that."

"-Elphaba Thropp….Faba…Fiyeraba…Fiyero…tight ass pants…Cain Wyatt…Boy Scout Syndrome…Glitch…Ambrose…Ambroise…Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs! Your father is the Wizard!"

"Big surprise…"

"You know, that one wasn't as good."

"You try it Nessa."

"No."

"Then shut up."

-TBC-


	9. Original Fiction

Title: Banging

Rating: T

Summary: Bang! Bang! Bang!

Archive: Yep

Author's Note: I'm still sick right now. Written due to the sudden appearance of an off topic story. So, this won't make any sense. Also, everyone should vote in my poll.

**Chapter Nine: Original Fiction**

"Miss Elphaba?"

"Yes, Miss Minerva?"

"Pray tell, Miss Elphaba, what would make anyone post _original fiction_ on a site clearly for _fan fiction_?"

"I do believe that I have no answer for that." She turned, and glanced at the screen. "Perhaps it is some poltergeist like spirit attempting to devour the fan fiction world from the inside; like a parasite. Then again, they could just agree to rules without reading them."

"A bad philosophy."

"I do concur."

"What do you make of this newest little worm in Wicked's lower intestine?" Angling the computer screen ever so slightly, I let her read the latest miss-post.

"It is a nice concept, but will these children ever read it?"

"Highly unlikely."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"Hhhmmm…"

And then there was silence.

"I'm going to go for seven minutes."

"You, Elphaba Thropp, just stole my favorite guessing number."

"Live with it and place your bet."

"Twelve minutes."

More silence but for the scratch of a pen.

"Five dollars all right?"

"Of course."

"All right. Well then, the flames should roll in any minute now."

"Hopefully any twelve minutes."

**-TBC-**


	10. Psycho Glitter Bitch

Title: Banging

Title: Banging

Summary: "Come back here you psycho glitter bitch."

Rating: Teen (Yes it is)

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: HE WAS MY SON TOO, SHAW!! Is not the proper emotion for that line…(Footloose)

**Chapter Ten**

"You're slipping."

"I most certainly am not. I'm very firmly planted in my chair. I would think I would know if I were slipping."

"I meant writing. You haven't updated in ages."

"Pardon me for trying to get into college and then paying for it."

"Don't you have a full ride to your instate university?"

"Trivial. I need twenty-four thousand more for Ithaca."

"Still, you're slipping."

"Do you have a mute button somewhere?"

"I'm a person. I cannot be muted."

"Oh no, people can be muted. The manner in which it is done is just the problem."

"…Minerva, you're disturbing."

"But wonderfully so." Tap, tap, tapping of the keyboard and a click. "I need a subject."

"You being robbed of Vi Moore?"

"No-old news. Think Green Bean, think."

"Why must I always be a vegetable?"

"Think Honey Bunny, think."

"I almost prefer Artichoke."

"Think Artichoke, think."

"I said almost."

…

"Elphie, do you suppose that if I put arsen-BOQ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Slam, click, breath and pant.

"She's crazy."

"And…?'

"She…She's talking about…"

Glance, blink, breathe and gulp.

"About?"

"…About 'it'!"

"Doing 'it'?"

"Mmmhhhmmm…"

"Well, you don't have to do 'it'. None everyone does."

"Do I need to be here for this conversation?"

"Feel free to slip away, Honey Bunny Artichoke Bean."

"Minerva, what am I going to do?"

"Apparently, no 'it'."

"This is serious." He hissed. "She's serious."

Knock, roll, screech, and shriek.

"Boq!"

"Oh no!"

My giggle. "Oh yes!"

"Boq, I know you're there! Minerva, open the door!"

"You're Tin Man is blocking the way."

"Hit him if you have to!"

"Sorry, no can do."

"Then ask him why he won't take me dancing!"

"Why won't you take her dancing?"

"I told you I don't want to do it!"

"Ohhh…That 'it."

"What 'it' were you thinking of?"

"That other 'it'…"

"Aw, hell, any idiot can do that. I meant dancing. That wheelchair is heavy, and she likes dancing."

"I may be small and crippled, and have been raised to be polite, but I know bull shit when I hear it, Boq!"

"Minerva!"

"Boq, I will not be in the impact zone when this hits the fan. This is one of those battles you must face alone. Think of it as a passage into manhood."

"But I wanna dance!"

"Go with Fiyero!"

"Boq!"

"Nessa, I'd take Fiyero. He's just that kind of pretty."

"What kind of pretty? There's more than one kind." Boq looked up.

"Oh, Minerva, he is."

"What am I missing? Am I that kind of pretty?"

"Nessa, you know that kind of pretty you want to taxidermy and stare at in a museum? Oh god…"

"Mmmhhh…"

"What kind of pretty am I?

Elphaba wandered back in and smirked.

"I'll be captain of Yero's guard any time."

"What about me? Nessa?"

"Yes, Boq?"

"Am I that kind of pretty?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Boq, my dear, you are the other kind of pretty."

"There's more than one kind?"

"You're the kind of pretty I would drag into the back alley and bang."

"Nessa, that's…Explicit."

"Nessa wants to bang me?"

"Oh, Elphaba, give her a break. The closet she gets to action is NASCAR. All those wheels."

"I don't appreciate the wheelchair jokes."

"I do."

"Like, the horizontal version of 'it'?"

"You have no soul."

"I sold it to pay for college."

"You're psychotic."

"Yes, but I have the glitter from my acceptance letter to throw in your face."

Glance, tick, sigh and move.

"I have to go. My bed is calling me."

"Could be go back to the banging me in a dark alley?"

"G'night guys."

"Good night."

Nessa's squeaking wheels stop.

"You're just going to go to sleep after starting that?"

"I'm tired, and you're really just a figment of my imagination so…Yes, I am."

"We need to resolve this."

"I agree. Let's start with the part where Nessa is supposedly banging me."

"Boq, watch your mouth when you speak of my sister."

"Minerva, don't just walk away."

"Too late, sister, she's going out the other door."

"Wait! Come back here you psycho glitter bitch!"


	11. You're writing!

Title: Banging

Summary: You're writing? Shiiitttt….

Rating: Teen (Yes it is)

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: Is it bad for the understudy to have had dreams of slipping onion powder into her coworker's food so she could have one show due to an onion allergy? God, I know it's bad when at the end of the show the director thanks me for being "professional throughout the whole thing." Regretting something? Well, it's done and over and I should write now.

**Chapter Eleven**

_Crouching in the white snow with his body doubled over, the Tin Woodsman pressed his forehead against the side of Dorothy's fallen house. His body shook with effort to maintain the position, but he didn't move from his place. One hand was splayed out across the splintered wood. His body shuddered once more before his knees sank into the snow beneath…_

"Are you writing? Jesus, it's been ages!"

"Thanks for you words of encouragement."

"No need to be snippy about it."

"Nessa, I'm about to get snippy with my foot up your crippled ass."

"It's not nice to hurt the handicapped."

"Handicapped people can be dumb asses too. I don't discriminate."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Exams."

"Ah. How are they going?"

"Splendid. I've had Government US, Government Comparative, Calculus BC, English Literature and European History. Next week is Biology, Physics C and Psychology. It will be blast."

"Don't you like those classes?"

"Yes, but I do not like writing six essays, six open responses, three essays, and three essays in five days. I did write about Candide though."

"Was it fun?"

"I have a new philosophy."

"Is it 'be nice to the girl in the wheelchair'?"

"No. It's 'we live in the mediocre of all mediocre worlds'."

"Oh. Is the glass of water half full then?"

"Nope. It's just a glass of Diet Coke."

"That makes no sense."

"I'm impassive about Diet Coke."

"Hhhmmm…Well, have fun writing."

"Right."

-TBC-

That's basically my thought process. It's not even funny any more.


	12. Look at You Adding and Subtracting

**Title**: Banging

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: No, not mine.

**Summary**: Look at you adding and subtracting!

"Thank Oz it's summer!" Boq threw open one window before wincing at the sound of the pane hitting the base of the window as it fell back down. "Something is wrong with your window."

"Probably the fact that you just assaulted it in your eagerness to greet the summer air...Filled with pollen. Keep my windows shut."

"You're no fun, you know this, right?"

"And you're molesting my house's parts."

"Thank you for always making me sound like a pervert."

"If the odd beanie like hat fits..."

"Point taken."

"I mean, first Galinda, then my house...Does it ever end?"

"I did not stalk Galinda or your house. Your house doesn't move so there's not much stalking to be done."

"Just don't open the window. Throw yourself a party looking out it though."

There was silence after his forehead left a clang in the air when it hit the pane of glass.

"Well, what do we have here?"

"Me writing a Bones fan fiction?"

"Noooo...Look at those lovely girls! I love swimming season. The suits here are so low on cloth."

"Where's Nessa?"

"Who knows?"

"She's in a wheelchair. How far can she get? There are stairs on my front door."

"One girl, two girl, three girl...No! Don't get on the bus! Aaahhh, only two, but what a pair they are! And what a lovely pair of-"

Oh God, why did he speak? Boq discussing certain female parts was not productive to my mind.

"Hey! Look at you adding and subtracting!" He sighed. "Now go find some telescopes or something and a window in another room."

"Nessa's in the other room."

"Didn't you just imply that you didn't know where she was?"

"She kicked me out so she could change into her new bathing suit."

"Not to the point of changing in front of each other yet?"

"Nope, but the view here is fine."

"What view?" I couldn't help but giggle when I heard Nessa's voice. And the sound of him smacking his head on the window.

"Nothing, Rose, I was just...Oh sweet Oz..."

I turned. Oh!

"Why, Miss Nessarose, that is a lovely bathing suit." Boq was still speechless.

She grinned. "Thank you. I try." I had a feeling that yellow would be Boq's favorite color after this. "Boq? What view?"

He gulped. "The view I was hoping to get of you. In your new suit. Like that. Right there. Want to go swimming?"

"Well, I usually just tan since..." She gestured at her legs.

"I'll hold you. Carry you, carry you." He smiled.

"All right then. Go change, and I'll wait here."

I glanced at her as he left. She rolled her eyes.

"He was starring at girls walking to the pool in their bathing suits, wasn't he?"

"At least he tried to hide it."

-TBC-

I'll finish my Wicked fics soon...When I get my laptop so that I can actually type them up with a spellchecker and save them.


	13. WHAT THE FUCK, ELPHABA!

Title: Banging

Summary: There are two kinds of pretty: the kind you won't to stare at all day, and then the kind you won't to take into a dark alley and bang.

Rating: Teen

Archive: Yes (hahahaha)

Author's Note: I've realized that I just start typing away without finishing things. I don't know if I should post this chapter in the Criminal Minds section too because it's definitely both now. Reid is inside my mind. Oh noes! Now the fandoms won't leave me alone!

For people who have no idea what this is, this is the result of my mind when I try to write too many things at once late at night because I cannot multitask. Sorry about the randomness. I'll probably delete this from the CM section tomorrow because I don't won't the sully my new appearance like I did in Wicked.

Screw it. I have no appearance. This was also to help me learn how to write dialogue, but now it's just out of control.

Nevermind.

**Chapter Twenty Billion**

"What the hell is that?"

"That's my fan fiction…Being typed." Elphaba rolled her eyes and head back as she sighed.

"No, really? What the hell is that?"

"That's the name of the main character, Zack Addy." I glanced at her. "From Bones. It's a television show. I'm writing this AU story because his character got owned in the face for no good reason." I nodded. "Helps me sleep at night. This is the last chapter, and I'm trying to make everythingWHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!? DID YOU JUST PUNCH ME IN THE FACE?"

"Why aren't you writing the next chapter for Perfectly Normal or Our New Lives? Hell, you still need to finish those Law and Order: Criminal Intent fics you never finished that you started before you started Wicked. Why are you starting new stuff?"

"Did you just punch me in the face?"

"New stuff?"

"I'm just finishing up. I need it done by the end of July for the AUBones challenge on Live Journal."

"That's it?"



"Yeah."

"Then what are these?" She held up two printouts from online.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? These aren't fan fictions? For another television show."

"They're only one-shots and drabbles!"

"New fics?"

"It was two in the morning. I was weak!"

"So, how's the Criminal Minds fandom going?" She tossed them onto the ground. "Is Dr. Reid okay? How about Bones? How's Dr. Addy? Oh, wait, how are Bobby and Alex? What are you going to do next? Write another story about Dumbledore and McGonagall? No! You've already done that one in the middle of finishing a Wicked fic!" I sobbed.

"I can't help myself! I've tried, but I can't stop!"

"Don't start any more new things until you finish this Bones thing, okay?"

"Mhhhmmm…"

"Then go back and do Law and Order: CI, and then you can start finishing this Wicked stuff."

"I'm sorry."

"Then maybe you'll be able to start all of this Criminal Minds nonsense."

"Yes Elphaba."

"Minerva?"

"Keep in mind you start college in a month. You're pre-med. Don't fuck up."

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay Elphaba."

-four hours later-

"Hi!"

"Elphaba, I swear it's just Bon-What the hell? How did you get in my house?"

"Uuumm…I'm just kinda here. I can't really explain it, but statistically speaking-"



"Spencer, quiet. There are no statistics on fictional characters appearing in my house randomly in the middle of rain storms while I'm…Spencer Reid, right?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm…" The highly attractive Dr. Spencer Reid was sitting in my house.

"Why am I here?"

"I'll get back to you on that." I spun around. "Okay, so, I'm writing this story about you, but I haven't started it yet and this is the first time that someone not from Wicked has shown up. Oh shit! I'll be right back."

He stared at me, and I just held out my hands in front of me in defeat.

"Just sit there and don't touch anything."

I glanced in my room as I ran past. Zack Addy, Fiyero, and Boq-check. Nessa in the shower, Elphaba in the kitchen, and…

Double take.

"You. Zack Addy. By my computer now. Just sit next to the guy in the sweater vest and stay for a minute." I sighed.

Things were getting out of hand. At least the NYPD wasn't here yet.

But the FBI was.

Damn.

Okay…Clear head, clear head, clear head, and I am not crazy. There are not fictional characters anywhere in my house. I glanced back through-no one.

"Okay, Spencer Reid can stay."

"Ohhh! What's this?"

"That's a story about you…That I'm writing…" _'…You incredibly attractive man…'_

"Me?"

"Yeah, um, just move back a little, and I'll type it."

'_Minerva, this is not the plan.'_

'_Yeah, but this plan has Spencer Reid in it, and now I can write my Criminal Minds story.'_

'_Minerva...'_

'_Elphaba, I want you to Google image search 'Matthew Gray Gubler' and then get back to me.'_

'_Fine, but don't be upset when less people read things because you update only once every fifty years.'_

'_I won't. I'll have Spencer Reid which makes it better.'_

"A story about me?"

"Yeah, I've already written two. This is just another drabble, one shot-y thing."

"Oh." He adjusted his glasses. "What about?"

"You and your neighbor, Kathy. Well, not that now. Right now I'm just doing this meme that someone else did and sounded fun. In theirs-go read it-you're paired up with Morgan." I watched Reid's face change from its pale color to some odd imitation of a growing tomato when I was done.

"Boy, I love you, but if you ever try to kiss me it's over."

"Morgan, what are you doing here?"

"Heard my name and thought I should show up before you got into trouble with the pretty lady."

"Aw, now Morgan, if you weren't always such a flatterer I might believe you."

"What can I say, I enjoy pleasing women." He nudged Spencer's shoulder. "Especially the ones that Reid here leaves them unsatisfied."

"I don't know. Dr. Reid is just that kind of pretty that I want to sit and stare at all day, and he's quite good at just sitting there and looking good." I paused. "I guess that makes me satisfied."

"What's the other kind of pretty?"

"The kind that you want to take out into a dark alley and bang."

"You almost sound like Garcia."

"You're almost that pretty."

"Guys, I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now."

"It's okay Spencer. Everyone always feels awkward here-it's my mind."

"That's fairly uncomfortable in itself."

"Is it not though? Now, sit back while I write."

_As Long As You're Mine-Wicked_

_Spencer Reid pushed one hand back through his hair as he watched her make her way into the kitchen from her abandoned spot on the couch, and he listened to the sounds of her picking up a half empty wine bottle and two glasses they had abandoned earlier. He swallowed. Her bare feet barely made a sound on the floor as she walked back towards him and smiled. This should not have worked out so well, but it had. He rolled his lips against each other while catching his breath. He didn't think he would ever be this brave-with her. So he spoke without thinking for the first time in his life._

"_I love you." He breathed again. "I love you, Elle."_

"I'm done with the first one."

"That quickly?"

"I only had until the end of the song, Dr. Reid."He blushed again.

"Elle?" The first time he spoke his voice cracked. "Elle?"

"Yeah, you got a better idea to fit the song?"

"…No…"

"Then sit back and let me type. I'm sure the Wicked Witch of the Wheel Chair would love to meet you. You can't miss her."

"Because she's in a wheelchair?"

"No, because she's a little crazy."

"Oh" He nodded. "Great."

"Yeah, just don't take her dancing."

-TBC-


	14. Fuckery

Title: Banging

Rating: M

Summary: FUCKERY

Author's Note: Poetry not about Wicked isn't wicked poetry at all. It's just fuckery, and Elphaba agrees with me. I curse a bit (a lot) in this chapter. You have been warned.

**Chapter Fuckery**

"WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY!!"

Silence followed the rather…Crude…Outburst that had left my mouth. Elphaba didn't turn her head, but let her eyes slide slowly to the left to glance at me from her perch in my chair. Boq watched Nessarose turn an interesting and ironic shade of rosy pink.

"What?"

"THIS-this…" I struggled to find a word strong enough to convey my overall feelings about the blatant spamming of the Wicked section. "This…" Nessa smirked from her chair.

"Wicked Witch?"

I glared.

"This fuckery is not allowed."

"I would hope not since it isn't a word."

"Watch out, Wicked Bitch of the Wheelchair. I know where you sleep…And I can write any number of people into that bed."

"How about that man in the sweater vest that was here earlier?" Boq blanched.

"I won't be writing him into _your_ bed." My very dashing boyfriend thirteen hours away from me blanched. "I meant I'd be writing him into Jane's bed. Read my fan fiction."

"Ruthless promotion of your other fan fiction across fandom lines. Isn't that a violation of some code? And can't you find a new name for her? You just switch out the letters every other day."

"Look, Greenie, if I can read a Harry Potter and Law and Order: CI crossover then I can damn well ruthlessly promote my Criminal Minds fan fiction in this story. It's your sister dear that even brought it up." Six eyes drifted towards Nessa, and Elphaba Thropp raised one eyebrow at her younger sister.

"I enjoy the sweater vest."

I turned my face back to the screen. "Why is this fuckery still here? Why isn't it deleted?"

"Well, aren't you fond of that word tonight?"

"Shove it vegetable or the zombies will eat you."

She snorted. "You haven't even thought about updating that fic in ages. I'm not afraid."

"_The zombies stumbled down the hall and ate Elphaba."_

"Scared now?" Elphaba smirked.

"Minerva, what is this fuckery you type of?"

-TBC-


	15. Dear Lost Ozian

Title: Banging

Rating: M

Summary: Lost Ozian was here before I was…And I am sad. No happiness right now.

**Banging: The Sad**

"Aren't you supposed to be studying for your Chemistry exam?"

"Elphaba now is not the time."

"Mmm…Minerva, if you don't study you freak out and you write even less. That is not in my best interest."

"Something sad has happened so I'm taking a break."

"Specifics?"

"Lost Ozian is leaving."

The green witch cocked her head to the side. "Didn't she write about us a lot?"

"All the time."

Something outside the door slammed into the wall, and we both glanced up at the breathless face of Fiyero. Elphaba took on an odd shade of cerulean while I raised an eyebrow at the prince.

"You're not here that often, and why are you-"

"IS SHE GONE YET?"

"What?"

"Is. She. Gone. Yet."

I glanced at the keyboard. "I don't think so…"

"Oh sweet Oz! Give me that!"

"But you don't know how to use a computer." I eyed the distance between my foot and his groin while Elphaba glanced back at her sister and Boq in the doorway with their clothes in some odd state of disarray.

"She can't leave!"

"I would think that you would hate her most of all."

"What? No!"



Elphaba narrowed her eyes at Boq as he adjusted his hat.

"But she put you into all of those odd situations-nursemaid to Nessa, Boq, Galinda and Elphaba, a man in women's clothing, handcuffed to Nessa's chair…"

"But you're missing the point." He spoke with his hands on his head as his eyes darted between me and computer. "I always ended up with Elphaba. Always."

I rubbed my neck as Elphaba's head whipped around, and I was almost sure that Boq and Nessa received whiplash simply watching the turn. "WHAT!"

Fiyero blanched. "I love you."

-one hour later-

Fiyero paid me twenty dollars to type as he dictated since he couldn't type with one arm in a sling.

_Dear Lost Ozian, _

_Thanks for all the fun times-me in a dress, me as a doll, me kiss Fae-mainly the ones where I end up kissing Fae. Thanks for not letting the pie owners eat me, and for making me immune to everything. Fun times!_

_Fiyero, Prince_

_p.s.-which was is the party?_

_p.s.s.-Lost Ozian, can I have the manual to Fae's doll because she's been ignoring mine recently and I don't know what to do._

"You're such a tool."

"But I'm attractive."

"Point taken."

"Are you writing her a letter?"

"Yeah, but it's none of your business."

Dear Lost Ozian,

:(

Love from,

Minerva

p.s.- D:


	16. Well, isn't that just wizard?

Title: Banging  
Disclaimer: As if.  
Rating: Mature

Author's Note: Back the Oz up if you don't like cursing. This is based off of a picture for grapes and crayons. Message me if you would like to see the picture with the real words.

**Banging**

A commentary about the new character selection options as only a (cough) slightly (cough) tipsy Boq can bring you:

"Back the Oz up…Because it's time for some Melena-fucking grapes. Check this out: ever felt like some easier selection? No. Well, fuck you. These character selection bars are so good you'll want to change your fucking ball gown back into a smock just to get some, and it's easy to see why. With twenty-three essential characters and some ass wipe called 'Dwarf,' these character selection drop down boxes are more awesome than a tick-tock man punching the Wizard in the dick."

Nessa pressed her hands against her eyes in shame.

"Let's check out these ass kickers:

One: these drop-down boxes will help you find stories like WHOA!! Bitches will be changing their story info just so you can find their shit when they see your mouse moving over there.

Two: sure, there are other characters, but who doesn't like searching for 'Frexspar' and 'Killjoy' supernatural/angst mature fan fiction at three in the morning?

Three: this shit will make your clicking finger buff as fuck. Open a big can of Tin Man on any of those mother fucking witches trying to rip out your heart after you click on this shit.

Four: can't find it? Oh fuck, well, isn't this all just wizard?

Back the fuck up."

Fiyero bit his lip while Nessa glanced through her fingers at her date as he slumped down in the doorway. "Fuck my life," she whispered into her hand.

Glinda giggled into her napkin. "Party foul."


	17. BANGING!

Title: Banging  
Disclaimer: As if.  
Rating: Mature

**Banging (It's Inevitable!)**

_Fiyero bit his lip while Nessa glanced through her fingers at her date as he slumped down in the doorway. "Fuck my life," she whispered into her hand._

_Glinda giggled into her napkin. "Party foul."_

"Did I really do all of that?" Boq groaned as he leaned against Nessa's palm. He folded his body in upon itself, and Nessa rolled her eyes while she ran her hand up and down his back. Boq shivered.

"Yes, yes you did. If you don't remember it vividly enough I'm sure that I can find one of the dozen or so onlookers who could recall it for you." She sniffed and turned her face upwards. "You were quite loud." Boq groaned again.

"Do I not remember an incident where I hit my head?"

"You do not because it never happened." Nessarose smirked into his hair as she kissed the top of his head. "Unless you count the numerous times you threw your head back to swallow a shot of Luriline-knows-what as a hit to the head." Boq nuzzled against her neck.

"I feel like someone ran my head over with a train." Nessa smiled. "How does Fiyero stand waking up like this every day?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Waking up like what? With a woman awaiting his every command? Well, I can remedy what ills you very quickly then…" Nessa pushed her body up from the bed and tried to move to the chair, but Boq snaked his arms around her waist.

"You are definitely not what ills me!" Pulling her back onto his bed, Boq kissed her cheeks and nose before pausing before her lips. "You, Rose, are a lovely cure!"

---

"What do you think they're doing in there?"

I glanced over at Fiyero. "Banging."

"Really? While we're right here?"

"Oh yeah, it's inevitable. This story is called Banging. What else would they do?"

"Huh. So, what are you typing?"

"Just another chapter of Banging."

"Oh! What's happening in it?"

"We're talking about what's happening in Banging."

"Yes, we are, but what about your story?"

"No, in the story we're talking about what Nessa and Boq are doing in the other room, and then what I'm typing. Right now. I'm typing it as it happens."

Fiyero frowned. "As I speak you type?"

"Yeah."

"I'll get Fae. She'll like this conversation."

-TBC-


	18. It's what's for dinner

**Banging (It's what's for dinner)**

"What?"

"Revel in it."

Nessa glanced around. "Right…"

-TBC-


	19. Stops time Tell Your Friends

**Banging (stops time, tell your friends)**

I nodded in Boq's direction. "You know, time flies when you're doing it if you're bored. You don't even notice what's going one. It's like your own little world."

He glared at me. "You're wonderfully delicate in your wording."

"I try." Nessa rolled her eyes and I pointed my finger at her. "Banging, stops time. Tell your friends."

"Oh, how would you know?"

"Your objection is duly noted and legitimate. I wouldn't know, but that doesn't stop me from making crude comments about it."

"We know." Boq and Nessa glanced at each other and smiled. Elphaba took over the conversation as she walked into the room.

"Your crude comments are enough in the way of an abstinence program for me."

"Good—syphilis kills."

"Do coherent thoughts ever leave your lips?"

"Do you think I could make an apple tart thing with an apple pie recipe?"

"I'll take that as a no."

"Take whatever you like but the things that don't belong to you."

"What?"

"Bye."

"…Okay…"

-TBC-

I had to do something in between Heartless chapters.


	20. Crippled or Bleeding?

**Crippled or Bleeding**

_They watch me. One thousand eyes, unblinking and unrelenting, scattered across my world and glaring at me through a hoary haze._

"Is it Boq? Is he watching me?" Nessa slapped his shoulder. "You're such a creeper."

"It's not Boq."

"Thanks, Minerva."

"Don't. You do not know how it ends yet, Boq. Haven't you learned anything after our year of being trapped in this pit of despair by her?"

"What I've learned isn't suitable to be seen by public eyes." Boq opened his mouth, shut it, and sighed. "Speaking of, if there are one thousand eyes watching you then we need to talk."

"You're an idiot. It's my shoes."

"Come again."

"No."

"Shoes? Oh, then never mind."

"Miss Minerva, shouldn't you be studying for your botany exam taking place this Friday?"

I turned. "Whaaa…Why are you even here? I don't write about you."

Ukitake nodded his head to the left and smiled. "I have no idea, but I do highly suggest working on your exam preparations." Brushing a strand of white hair from his eyes, he glanced at me while I stared at him.

"I feel like you should only be in my mind if I allow it."

"It is a thought to ponder, isn't it? We need snacks!"

I watched him sprint away.

"Nanao is always in my mind even when I try not to think about her."

"I haven't even watched you three in Bleach since last week!"

"I have candy!" Ukitake pulled a box from his sleeve as he entered and I slammed my head to my desk. Nessa smirked.

"Minerva, you do have the most attractive men in your mind. When do we get to meet your date?"

"I'm purposely saving him from this inferno of madness."

"It's your mind."

"Be quiet, Nessarose."

"It's a pity Captain Hit-" We all looked on as he coughed, and his pink covered friend handed him a square of cloth to wipe away the blood. Nessa frowned.

"Are all of your favorite characters crippled or bleeding?"

"No, they're all interesting. There is nothing wrong with Dr. Reid or Dr. Butler."

"One did drugs and one is in love with a sociopath."

"But it's such a wonderful love Charles has for Kathleen."

"Candy?"

"No thank you, Captain Ukitake. I will take your suggestion and study."

"Ah, good plan. We'll be over here…"

'_At least I finished Silver.'_

"Why are you wearing laboratory goggles?"

"Fiyero, get out!"

**-TBC-**

**Note: Charles and Kathy are from a series of books by Carol O'Connell, and Ukitake is from Bleach. He has TB. ******


	21. Mad Libs!

**Mad Libs**

On one _____ and _____ day, Nessarose Thropp wheeled into a _____ as she tried to get through the _____. Her fingers got caught in the _____ as she turned a corner and she screamed, "_____!" _____ down the hall towards Nessa, Boq _____ and fell into Nessa's _____. Falling from the chair, the two of the them _____ down the stairs to the left and landed on the _____. Untangling his _____ from Nessa's _____, Boq fumbled with his _____ as he apologized for accidentally _____ Nessa. Nessa waved her _____, and said, "It's all right. I don't _____."

The two of them _____ with each other for a bit before _____ upstairs to the _____ where Nessa had been originally going. Noticing the _____ on Nessa's fingers, Boq _____ the injured digits as they _____. Nessa _____. Opening the _____ for Nessa, Boq led her into the _____ so they could make _____. They started on the _____ with the chocolate. Working the _____ through the chocolate as it melted on the hot surface, they added _____. The sumptuous _____ tempted them both. Boq licked his _____.

Touching Boq's _____, Nessa nodded towards an upper cabinet containing the ______. As the night faded, the two of them enjoyed some delicious _____.

"Miss Minerva, someone one day is going to commit you."

"I hope they commit me to a _____."

"You're impossible."

"No, that's the Doctor. Speaking of, this could be a bit more sonic."

**-TBC-**

**Fill in the blank Wicked! It can be an innocent night in or a daring journey of M rated words. **


	22. Don't be gelous

_Hi my names Elfaba Dark'ss Thropp and I have long balck hair and black eyes but the really awesome thing about me is my ermald green skin that's really pretty. My little sister Nessarose is my dads fave and he hates me so hes sendin me to this scool cuz i'm a witch and stuff and do kool thingz with my hands. Rose was totally gelous and made dad let her go 2 so that she could learn magiks and shitz. Today was the day that we are going to Shiz univercity to learn so I put on my black miniskirt with urple lace and matching corset. I wore my purple combat boots and put on some black eyeliner and lipstick. _

_I met Nesa at the door and she was wearing her white polo over he blue tank with jeans. Dad licked her allot more because she was in a wheelchair and he blamed me for it. When we got to Shiz dad gave Nessa these preppy silver shoes with glitter and I saw some prep girl in a pink and white polo and white miniskirt looking at us and I gave her the finger. It was raining and snowing so my makeup was runnig down my face like black tears and the girl cringd and turned away so I think it worked and scared her. _

_And then I saw this total fuking hottie standing next to the prep but I new he wasn't in to her because we were staring at eachother and I nodded at him flirtily. But suddenly this old hag walked in and dad left and Nessa was ll "OMG" over her shoes nad then the oldy was all, "I don't have a room with you so you have to room with G'Linda."_

"_Fuckin Ass…" I said as I picked at my black nail polish. _

"_OmG!!!1 I can't room with this asparagus!"_

_I flipped her my middle finger and she rolled her eyes and I waved my hands as Nessa started to roll away from the school with the hag she had to live with and everything got all dark and goth and Glinda screamed. Nessa chair started spinning and while everyone was freaking out about the lites and shit the hottie and I snuck over to the alleyway and he was totally all over me. _

_His face was like really close to mine and I looked into his eyes and then he put his thingy into my netherregions and we did it for the first time._

Elphaba tapped my shoulder.

"What is wrong with you?"

"It's a mystery."

Elphaba narrowed her eyes. "Write any more and I'm smashing your computer."

Fiyero cocked his head to one side while reading over my other shoulder. "I don't know. I think I like the end."

"You're dead brainless boy!"

"Why does father 'lick' me more than Elphaba?"

"Don't worry about it, Nessa. It's no reason to be 'gelous'."

-TBC-

Note: For anyone not aware of My Immortal, this is based off of that.


	23. See, What Had Happened Was

WARNING: COPIOUS AND GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF CURSING AHEAD

**See, What Had Happened Was**

"_We done yet, Bitch?"_

"_Damn, boy, I asked you to call me Nessarose." Nessa whacked him with her wheelchair. "Keepin' my pimp wheel strong, biatch."_

"_Mutha fucker." Boq wandered off rubbing his leg._

"_Boq!" Nessa rolled her eyes and straightened a few pieces of hair out with her fingers until Elphaba snorted._

"_Damn, Bitch, ego much?"_

"_What the hell?"_

"_Look, I need Dad's help. Some tool is creepin' on me with Hag Lady, and I need Dad to lend me some money."_

"_Bitch please, I pushed that mutha fucker down the stairs."_

"_Only three thousand."_

"_Hell no!"_

"_I'll fix those lame ass feet of yours."_

"_Step on it then."_

"_Done. And God said let there be dancing!"_

"_ASSHOLE!!!"_

"_What's it now—Aw, hell no! I was about to leave your lame ass too!"_

"_Say what?"_

_Elphaba lifted her hands. "I'm out."_

"_Have you seen Glinda?"_

"…"

"_T.I.T.S. or G.T.F.O."_

"_That's it! I've had enough of this bullshit!" Nessa began to take off her earrings, Elphaba grabbed her arm but Boq kept talking._

"_Like your crazy ass isn't as annoying."_

"_Say that again to my face."_

"_I am!"_

"_Bastard!"_

"_Greenie, your sis is apeshit crazy. Regulate on that shit."_

"_Nessa, put the shoes down. That heel ain't gonna cut him."_

"_I can cut a Boq if I want."_

"_Nessarose Thropp!"_

"_See, what had happened was…" Nessa began to drop the shoe before launching herself at Boq as his guard was down. "You're dead!"_

"_Damn bitch, that hurt." Boq touched his head. "I'm bleeding."_

_"Damn right, and you're about to be bleeding more!"_

_And Nessa chased Boq from the mansion with her shoes._

_The end._

Elphaba glanced over my shoulder. "I'm turning off your computer now."

"Bitch please."

"And unplugging it just for good measure."

-five hours later-

"How did this get on the internet? Who plugged it back in?"

Fiyero winced and raised his hand.

"See, what had happened was…"


	24. A Most Ambiguous of Chapters

"You're ridiculously detailed and ambiguous."

I glanced up at Elphaba. "How the fuck do you even do that? Details and ambiguity? Somewhere in that there's a bit of a contradiction. Should I draw you a map?"

"Do you read what you write, Minerva?"

"Of course! I have to proof read it!"

"Minerva, do you read what you write?"

"If there's time in the morning."

"Do you read, Minerva, what you write?"

"A bit of it a while later to compare it to reviews."

"What?"

"No, I just let it sit around for a bit and then hit keys."

"Seriously, are you an idiot?"

"Probably."

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "Well, at least you updated Heartless." She titled her head to the side.  
"No one will know what happened though. I mean, sure they're know every little movement that Nessa made and just which finger tapped the desk seven times, but they'll have no idea who killed her or if she's even dead. Some might even question what characters are in the story."

I sighed. "Would you like to proof it, Elphie?"

"Yes."

_There was a puddle in the middle of room when Boq broke down the door to her room. Swinging in a staccato pattern across the ceiling, Nessarose was hanged from the rafters by a thick rope of hemp. Boq rubbed his chin with three fingers. _

"…_wha…?" _

_It was a decent sized puddle and the room was of a moderate temperature. The only problem was the door had been locked from the inside with no way out or into the room. Quite the conundrum of 80 words before this sentence. Quite the intricate little ambiguous puzzle indeed. _

"You're such an ass, Minerva."

-TBC-


	25. Sassy Gay Friend

Ok, so instead of actually writing a real chapter (because this isn't even a real fan fic, let us not even pretend that it is) you get the first draft and then the revised actual chapter since both cover my thoughts for today. Those consist of: voting, missing the award period and not voting for that, realizing that I've written nothing but laboratory reports, and thinking about Wicked instead of Harry Potter. I should write things…

Also, how did I miss the Third Annual Awards? Sorry guys, I do like voting in those. Interesting, YLYHTM! still in there kicking up some dust. YAY BESSA WRITERS! Look at you guys winning stuff and being fabulous. Good job. YAY EVERYONE ELSE! BELATED CONGRATULATIONS ALL AROUND!

**25-Sassy Gay Friend**

"OH MY WIZARD'S BAGGY LEFT TESTICLE, HOW DID YOU MISS IT!"

"Miss what?" I rubbed my backside and rolled my eyes. "The green terror that came flying through like a banshee in Seamus Finnegan's worst dreams?"

"NO! THE WICK-wait? What?"

"Obscure Harry Potter reference. Go on."

"The Third Annual Fan Fiction Awards!"

"WHAT! I missed it? It happened? How long have I not been on ?"

"Well, not that long. You've just been over with McGonagall and Ukitake every time you visited." Elphaba narrowed her eyes. "Speaking of, I'm lonely." She glanced at the door. "I would speak for Nessa and Boq, but they can't be lonely."

"Oh, curse upon my internet life lest I end it now with this keyboard!"

"What, what, what are you doing?"

"Fiyero, where did you even come from?"

Meet Nessarose Thropp from Wicked. She is waiting in the city to be hit by a house. This fate could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend.

"What are you doing? What-what-what are you doing?"

"Boq has run away from me and Elphaba left to find—"

"Boo hoo, Debbie Downer. The Wizard's fag hag has whipped up a storm and it's not going to rain men so we have to go!"

"But why would she do that? I've done everything the Wizard told me to do. She promised that Glinda would get married and that I could have Boq."

"I know that and you know that, but everyone else just thinks you're crazy so put on your shoes and walk your sparkly ass into a storm shelter."

"But Boq—"

"Boq, Boq, Boq! Nessa, he dated you to impress the dumb blonde."

"I guess he has been kind of mean and insincere."

"He keeps a diary of twenty-nine ways to kill you. Now, we gots to go!"

"Maybe I was a bit harsh."

"So we let ourselves get squashed by a house? No. Firstly, it's Boq we're talking about. Not Fiyero. Secondly, why are you still outside!"

"Ok, ok, let me get my shoes. I guess he is made of metal now."

"Speaking of, is he made of tin everywhere?"

"Ooohhh…"

"Ok, now I'm just being vulgar—"

"…Yeah, he is."

"What? Nessa, you're such a crazy bitch. She's a crazy bitch."


End file.
